Can't Stand It
by lizardwriter
Summary: She can’t stand it. She just can’t stand it. And she remembers saying those words to Emily back just before the summer and how they meant something so different back then. Disclaimer: I don't own Skins. Please R&R. S4 ep 2 SPOILERS. Naomily oneshot.


She can't stand it. She just can't stand it. And she remembers saying those words to Emily back just before the summer and how they meant something so different back then. Now, this, this is what she can't stand. To watch the girl she loves discover her betrayal, to watch her slip so easily out of her life. Except that none of it is easy.

Naomi wants to stop her, wants to rush to her side, wants to rip the book out of her hands and make everything that Emily just read vanish from her mind, but she can't, because that would be as good as admitting that what Naomi had no doubt was written was actually true.

So all Naomi does is cry as she watches her love, her one true love, the small girl who has managed to make her way to the centre of Naomi's universe, slip away from her, learn the truth, learn of her betrayal. Her one stupid fuck up. The mistake she regrets the most. The mistake that she's wished over and over again wasn't real.

She's tried to erase it from her own memory. She's tried not to think about it, hoping that it would disappear. At times she's almost forgotten, when she's wrapped in Emily's arms and she's warm and loved and all she feels is love for Emily, so strongly that it's terrifying because she feels her love for the redhead so acutely that her body actually aches for the girl. But then she's remembered that she's tainted it. Their beautiful, meaningful relationship that was pure and good and the most amazing thing that Naomi has ever experienced in her life and she's tainted it.

She's tried acting normal. More normal than she's ever acted, really. If she acts normal, if she smiles and laughs, then maybe everything can be normal and the immense guilt that she feels ebbing away at her brain and her insides constantly will disappear, or lessen at least. At the very least she's not burdening others with it. Except now it's too late to and it's all been for nothing anyway, and in trying to protect she knows she's done so much more harm.

Then there have been the mornings that Naomi's woken up and Emily's been there, red hair splayed beautifully against her pillow and Naomi's smiled first, felt warm and happy, has genuinely forgotten for a minute, before truth and realisation sink in and she knows she doesn't deserve any of those feelings because Emily is just so good and pure and deserves so much better than her.

So now they're on a roof and Emily closes the book and hands it and the box to the boy that Naomi wants so much to hate because if he hadn't meddled maybe she could have kept this secret, kept Emily from feeling the pain that's written all over her face right now, kept Emily in general. Except Naomi knows it's not his fault. Not really. It's her fault and hers alone.

And she cries out that she's sorry. She's so sorry. She's more sorry than anyone can ever imagine. But the word "sorry" doesn't suffice. It sounds hollow. She wishes fervently that there was another word that would mean more, that would make it more ok, but she knows one doesn't exist as Emily looks at her with a broken expression and Naomi feels her heart breaking even more because she knows she's the cause of that look.

Naomi can't even feel the tears burning down her cheeks or the whipping feeling of her hair hitting her face thanks to the wind. All she can think about is Emily.

Matt drops the box and Naomi hears it crashing into the pavement below, thinking that her relationship with Emily probably went with it. Matt leaves them then. Leaves Naomi to her fate, to be sentenced by the woman she loves.

Naomi watches Matt leave and turns back to Emily, sees her accusing eyes, tears flowing from them.

"You ruined it," Emily's broken voice sounds out, the only thing that Naomi hears despite that it's not that loud and the wind is howling around them. Emily stands then. "You don't want anyone to care," Emily concludes.

Naomi thinks that that's not right. She wants Emily to care. Emily's the only one that she cares about and wants to be cared about by. Naomi can't stop the sobs that are wracking through her body, but she's barely focused on them anyway because her only focus is Emily and how Emily's taking a step closer to the edge. Naomi's heart is in her throat and it's pounding what feels like a thousand beats a minute.

"I could be dead in a second," Emily comments as she looks down at the ground, several stories beneath them.

Naomi shakes her head, willing Emily back away from the edge, back to where it's safe, because Naomi's not certain that she can handle Emily not being in her life, but she knows that she can't deal if Emily's no longer in the world. It's the single most horrendous thought ever, that Emily could die, that she could not be there anymore. It's something that Naomi can't even contemplate. Not now, not ever.

"Everything's so fragile. Don't you realise that?" Emily demands.

And Naomi does. She really does. For a split second she didn't and she's regretted it ever since. If she'd had a time machine available she'd have jumped in it and done it all over again. Not ever have gone to that fucking open day. But she doesn't and she can't change the past so all she can do is be sorry and regret it and she knows that's not enough.

"We were special," Emily's voice cuts through Naomi like a knife because she's already talking in past tense. And, God, Naomi knows that they're special. They're so special. There's nothing like them in the world. Because they're Emily and Naomi. Naomi and Emily. They go together. They belong together.

Emily turns around and Naomi finds herself able to breathe again when she hops down off of the ledge, because at least Emily's not going to jump.

But then Emily walks past her, glares up at her sadly only for a second in passing, and all Naomi can do is watch her go, and suddenly the world's caving in on her again because the love of her life is walking away from her.

"I was scared!" Naomi pleads, knowing it's no excuse. And really she wasn't half as scared then as she is right now. Now she's the most scared she's ever been because she's losing the most important thing in her life.

"You're always scared," Emily doesn't even turn around as her voice carries strongly back to Naomi. Naomi hears it then. The resolve that's going to keep Emily walking away from her.

"Emily," Naomi cries out desperately. Hoping against hope that she'll turn around.

She doesn't.

"Emily!" Naomi cries again and there's so much longing in her voice, but Emily keeps walking through the doors, doesn't turn back, doesn't give Naomi a second glance.

Naomi knows she doesn't deserve one. That doesn't stop the excruciating pain that's stabbing through her chest and making it hard for her to breathe all over again.

The door slams shut behind Emily, and Naomi just stares at it. She's got no right to run after Emily, she knows. She needs to give the girl space and time to process and then maybe, possibly someday, to forgive. Naomi knows she doesn't deserve it. She glances at the ledge and contemplates jumping off of it herself, but she knows that that would be cowardly and selfish. It's a much greater punishment to her if she's forced to live with the guilt and the knowledge that she's pushed away the one person who truly loved her, who she truly loved. She'd broken the one thing that was most dear to her in this world. She's spoiled the most amazing thing that life has to offer. She's done it. It's all on her. And besides, she knows Emily well enough to know that she'd feel guilty if Naomi did jump, and Emily shouldn't, so Naomi doesn't. She puts the thought out of her mind in a split second, because it's not an option, and deep down, even though the world is collapsing around her and it feels like she's dying by how much pain she's in and how much she feels like she's suffocating right now, she doesn't really want to die. She wants to believe there's hope. Hope for her, hope for Emily, hope for the two of them, together, as a couple.

So instead she collapses onto the ground, ignoring the pain that stabs up from her tailbone when she hits the ground too hard. Physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain that she's feeling right now, and she can only imagine that what Emily is feeling so much worse.

How could she be so stupid? How could she have done it to begin with? Why didn't she tell Emily the truth when Emily asked? Why did Emily have to ask at all, why didn't she just tell her right after it happened and beg forgiveness then? Why did she try to hide it? She knows she's an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot. Emily deserves so much better. And yet...

"I love you, Emily! I love you so much! I love you with my whole heart! You're my whole world, Emily. I never meant to hurt you," she whispers out to the world and the words get swallowed by the wind. "I never meant to hurt you."

--------

She's not sure how long she sits there. Hours, probably. She can't bear the thought of going home. A place she'd so recently called "ours". A place she'd shared with Emily. A place where her mistake had happened too. It wasn't home anymore. Not without Emily there. It was just a house now, that she can't bear to go back to.

Still, eventually, when the wind has chilled her through and she's shaking uncontrollably from the cold and her sobs and she can't feel her fingers or her toes anymore and hasn't been able to for at least an hour, she finally stands. Stumbles clumsily back into the club, down the stairs, down the street, back towards that house.

As soon as she sees it she freezes. There are so many memories of Emily, even just of kissing Emily on the doorstep, that Naomi can't breathe all over again. Fresh sobs wrack through her, but she knows she deserves this pain, so she makes her way to the door, fumbles with the keys, and opens it up. Inside she thinks it almost still smells of Emily, which is stupid really because the air doesn't smell like much of anything except vaguely tequila, except now that reminds her of Emily too. Everything does. There's nowhere she can look that doesn't flash vivid memories of happy times with Emily across her mind. She knows she'll never be able to drink tequila again without Emily in her life. She starts running through all of the other foods and drinks that remind her of Emily and it turns out it's all of them, so she has no idea what she'll be eating from now on. Maybe she doesn't deserve to eat. There are starving children somewhere she can send her food to. They deserve it more. And it won't pain them to eat it.

Naomi half falls, half walks up the stairs to her room. She hates it now. Can't stand to look at it. She goes straight to her desk and pulls out a piece of paper and grabs a pen. She stares at it then, not knowing what to write. No words are good enough. And really, she thinks, it doesn't matter because Emily will never read it. She'll never come back, Naomi's sure. And Naomi knows she has no right to deliver a note to Emily's house. Katie and Jenna would probably kill her if they saw her anywhere near there anyway.

She stares blankly at the paper, trying to put her thoughts in order, but she can't. The only thing she thinks is that she's sorry and she's an idiot and she doesn't deserve Emily, but she loves her and needs her desperately. She's never felt more trapped by anything than by her own actions and her own brain. It was stupid to have thought that it was Emily making her feel trapped.

Naomi finally settles for "I'll do anything" being written across the top. She contemplates for a few more minutes and draws a heart underneath it. Then a small face on one side she deems Emily with a line of hair. She draws her own face on the other side of the heart, resisting the urge to scratch it out as soon as it's drawn. It's nothing, this piece of paper. It's insignificant and Naomi's sure it won't change anything, but it's the only tool she's got to try with right now. And she really will do anything to get Emily back, to have her look at her, just once more, the way she used to. She draws a few stars around what's already written as decoration. Something's still missing. She remembers back to her first time at the lake with Emily. Remembers Emily shouting "be brave" at her.

She hadn't been. She'd been a coward. But now she needed Emily to be brave. To be brave and try to believe that Naomi loves her, that Naomi's different, that she would never cheat again, that she can't stand the thought of losing her forever. She needs Emily to take a risk and give Naomi a second chance, that Naomi knows she doesn't deserve. She can't bring herself to use Emily's words though, so she leaves it as is.

She sticks it to her front door in hopes that Emily will come back for the clothes she's left rather than sending Katie who genuinely might kill her.

She walks back up to her room and surveys it. It hurts all over again and she grabs at her chest as if, if she could only tear it open, then maybe some of the pain would have a chance to drain away. But she can't and it doesn't.

She can't bear the thought of sitting on her bed so she stands by the window and watches, hoping against hope, dreaming against dream, that the light of her life will come back and shine a little bit more on her.

Her heart skips a beat when a familiar shade of red approaches. She knows it doesn't mean anything. She knows she's not forgiven. She doesn't deserve to be, after all. But still, Emily's there. Even if Emily hates her and never wants to see her again, she still came, if only to get her clothes. She didn't send anyone else. That had to mean something, right?

She watches as Emily pulls the note off and reads it. Hopes that for once she's found the right words. She sees Emily start to walk away and she stops breathing for a minute because it's too painful to breath at the thought that she's come all this way and Naomi doesn't even properly get to see her, not that she deserves to.

But then Emily looks up, and Naomi starts breathing again. Shallowly, as if any major movement, including her lungs expanding too much, might startle Emily and chase her away. So all Naomi does is stare back at her, silently pleading with her. And Emily looks down at the card again, and out at the street, but then she looks back up.

Emily turns and walks towards the blue door. Naomi runs to the top of the stairs as soon as Emily leaves her sight and she's waiting there when Emily looks up. She can't say anything, doesn't have words to say to make it better and knows that she can't make the first move. She has no right to. She feels tears that had at some point dried up, reform behind her eyes and start to trickle a burning path down them.

Emily doesn't flinch, doesn't cry, just stares at her as if trying to decide what to do.

Naomi doesn't dare move. She barely dares to blink in case she opens her eyes again to find that Emily's not really there.

"Hi," Emily finally says, still just staring up the stairs at Naomi.

"Hi," Naomi murmurs back, voice broken and choked.

Emily purses her lips and nods. She blinks hard. "I hate you right now, you know."

Naomi nods. "I know. You should. I hate me too."

Emily nods again, doesn't look up at Naomi. "I love you too, though."

Naomi's feet refuse to keep her up anymore and she collapses onto the landing as she gasps for air, because it feels as if she's just been granted a pardon from the death sentence. She knows it's not forgiveness, not by a long shot, but it's something.

Emily looks up at the noise. "I don't know what to do. I don't know if we can ever be us again, but..." Emily trails off, but Naomi clings to that "but", because in it there's hope.

"I love you," Naomi sobs.

Emily closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I need time."

Naomi nods. "Anything. Anything you need."

Emily starts to climb the stairs, comes to the landing and takes a seat beside Naomi. She reaches out and takes Naomi's hand, which almost feels like it's burning at the touch.

Naomi feels like her hearts about to explode.

"Let's just...Let's just sit like this for a while, ok?" Emily suggests.

"Ok," Naomi croaks. She's got so many things that she wants to say, but she's heard the weariness now in Emily's voice and knows that this isn't the time to say them. But they're sitting there together. So maybe she's got a little bit of time in which to say them. Maybe she's got time, after all, to tell Emily...No, to prove to Emily, that Emily's her whole world and she never, ever wants to lose her. Especially after today and coming so close.

So they sit, Naomi leaning against the banister, Emily leaning against the wall, hands touching in the middle of the landing as if through an invisible cat flap. _I can stand this_, Naomi thinks. _I have to for her._


End file.
